


We All Fall Down

by ashadowonthewall



Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Angst, Canon - TV, F/F, F/M, Love Triangles, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-31
Updated: 2012-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-17 11:06:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/550888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashadowonthewall/pseuds/ashadowonthewall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I started writing this fic about a year and a half ago, and I'm not quite sure if I have the motivation to finish. But I decided to post it here just in case people were interested. Post series 3 AU; ignores series 4 canon. Title is taken from <i>"All Fall Down"</i> by One Republic. Naomi's POV. Unbeta'd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[ ](http://s695.beta.photobucket.com/user/mrjdt/media/new_wafd_3.png.html)

You’re late to class again. It’s been like that for a while now, and you hate how absent-minded you’ve become lately. But somehow you can’t seem to help it; you haven’t felt quite like yourself for a long time since the day you broke up with her. Most days you can’t seem to bring yourself to get out of bed. 

The new teacher – whoever the fuck he is – stares you down the minute you walk into the classroom. You don’t give a toss about him or anyone else. You take a seat, staring up at the board with a blank expression on your face, waiting for the time to pass so you can leave again.

You know you’re better than all these other twats, you’re Naomi fucking Campbell, you’ve got more brains than any of them – you have a future, you have ambitions and goals. It’s what you tell yourself to keep from falling apart, because honestly you know that deep down you would be more than happy to give up everything, to have her again.

It’s strange the way things turn out in life. The night of the Love Ball comes back to you like a dream, it’s what fills your head every time you take a moment to stop and think. You remember the way Emily’s hand took yours, how happy she looked when you walked down the stairs. You can still hear the words “I love you too,” almost every time and when they do you feel like you need to stop and catch your breath.

You remember the day she broke up with you, it was sudden but not unexpected given what had been going on before. The fights you had earlier; about Katie, about Emily’s parents, about what you want to do with your life after college; it all really got to her in the end, and you blame yourself because you sometimes you wonder whether things would be better had you kept your mouth shut for just a moment and tried to work it out. You’d probably still be together.

What’s worse is that you see her almost every day at college. Every time you catch a glimpse of red hair your body freezes and sometimes you find yourself wanting to run away. The last time you spoke was at the beginning of the school year and your conversation was limited to simple a “hello” and “how’ve you been?” But you still see her around and that’s what hurts the most.

You try your best to avoid Emily for fear of starting another conversation that might give you the hint that she wants to take you back, not that part of you wouldn’t want that, it’s just that you can’t seem to find the courage to say it out loud. Beating yourself up and distancing yourself from everyone you know has always been the easier and less stressful option. It’s worked for you before. 

There are some people in the world who are just meant to be alone. You think that maybe you’re one of them.

\--

He corners you in the corridor as just soon as you walk out of the classroom. Normally you wouldn’t be annoyed, but you’ve barely had any sleep and he’s got that big stupid grin on his face that tells you exactly what he’s going to say next.

“So I heard you and muff monkey broke it off yeah? Does that mean we can willy waggle now?”

You roll your eyes at how predictable he is. Though, you’ve come to get used to Cook’s bullshit of late, you hate to admit it but he’s kind of grown on you. You like him, even though he’s a bit of a moron, but at that moment you’re so tired and angry and just want to go home that you can’t stand another minute having to reject his advances.

“Piss off!” you tell him, pushing through him as hard as you can before walking the other way.

He does the unpredictable thing and runs over to you, putting his hand on your shoulder and you can’t help but turn around. You hate that he has that kind of power over you because only a year ago, you would have easily flipped him off. But you need a friend and he seems to be the only one who really cares because no one else has approached you for a while since. Freddie and Effy are too caught up in each other to even notice, and you’d die before taking relationship advice from Pandora or JJ.

“Hey, hey Naomikins, c’mon!” he says, his voice softer, the dumb grin turning into something more genuine, the look that gets you every time. “Tell me about it, yeah? We can have a pint and a laugh…maybe a willy waggle later”.

You laugh despite yourself, because you know you’re not going take up his offer.

“You sure this isn’t some ploy to get over Effy?” you ask, watching his face turn deadly serious, his eyes focusing down on the floor as soon as you mention her name.

“Oh yeah, that’s right, she’s fucking Freddie now, because that’s what best friends do don’t they. Share each other’s girlfriends?”

He’s speechless then; it’s the first time anything you’ve ever said has been able to faze him. You know that the subject of Freddie and Effy is a delicate one, and you feel like a right bitch letting it slip, but you’re really not in the mood for conversation.

“Look,” you say, walking closer to him. “It’s all fucked up, yeah? Relationships. Who the fuck needs them?” 

He smiles a bit as he looks up at you.

“You’re right babe, but if it’s okay with you I’m not ready to talk about _that_ just yet”.

“Neither am I, so just leave it at that,” you say, walking away before you do something to embarrass yourself further or do the something really dumb like giving in to him. 

“Me and my cock will be around if you need us, babe. Our services are open all day and night!” he shouts. 

You don’t respond to the vile comment, but keep walking forward. Somehow what he says doesn’t disgust you the way it used to. In fact it puts a smile on your face, the first one you’ve had in weeks, and that tells you something.

\--

You’re at the local café ordering something to drink when you spot someone with red hair sitting on one of the tables across the room and your heart flutters for a moment, until you realise that that someone isn’t Emily. 

No, it’s a lot worse than that.

Katie looks a lot better since the last time you saw her, obviously the bruises and stitches are gone and she looks thinner somehow. Her dress sense has slightly improved; she still obviously has a thing for leopard print but she seems to carry herself more gracefully than she ever did before. You find yourself staring and you feel like an idiot, because you know things won’t turn out well once she notices you, which she does not long after the guy at the counter brings your order.

Your eyes meet Katie’s for a moment, and part of you is screaming to just rush out the door, but you’re not a fucking coward. If someone like Effy Stonem could easily put Katie in hospital then you figure you have no reason to be afraid of her. Also, it’s been a while so you don’t see any reason why you and you’re ex-girlfriend’s sister can’t have a civilized conversation without wanting to rip each other’s heads off right there in the cafe.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” she says, as you walk over to her table, tea in hand, sitting across from her. She’s still staring you down with the look that says _I knew you’d fuck it up, you were never good for my sister in the first place_ and it irritates you beyond belief.

“Did you see her?” she asks, smirking a little. You want to slap her or throw fucking tea in her face just by the way she’s eying you but you try to keep yourself composed.

“See who?”

Katie giggles. “You maybe be a stupid cow Naomi, but I refuse to believe you’re that fucking dumb. Who else do you think? Emily.”

“Emily and I haven’t spoken in months, now. And you can fucking pat yourself on the back for being right. I suppose you’re happy we’re over now aren’t you?”

Katie’s face turns blank for a moment; she takes a sip of her tea and looks back at you.

“Well, I was willing to give you a chance. Even stood up for her whenever you two went out on dates. I don’t think you realise just how much shit you had to put the both of us through. Most of the time I had to lie about where she was. Part of me wishes you two were back together though because this new girl is just…”

Katie doesn’t finish the sentence but you can already feel your heart breaking. The idea that Emily has found someone new makes your stomach turn. You feel your face growing hot; you need to get the fuck out of the café before you barf right there on the table. You’re pretty sure that Katie wouldn’t appreciate you getting sick all over her as well.

“You didn’t know, did you?” Katie asks. 

You shake your head; it’s the best you can do at that point.

“Figures,” she continues. “I don’t exactly approve, but they seem pretty happy, which is more than I can say for you. It’s funny; I always thought out of the two of you _she_ was the weak one. But it’s been a couple of months since you broke up and she’s managed to find herself a new girlfriend, and you’re what skipping classes and staying in all day? I hate to say this Naomi, but you’re awfully pathetic.”

You despise her then, you really fucking detest her. It reminds you of the last time you sat in a café together when she threatened you, demanding you don’t come to the Love Ball.

“So it was never about her being gay was it?” you snap, and people turn to look at you. Katie just smiles at them and they look away, going back to what they were doing.

“Believe it or not Naomi, it was never about her being gay, or you; it was about a lot of things. But that doesn’t matter now. She’s my sister, always has been always will be, and like I said before, I love her more than you or that bitch Jasmine ever can, which is why I’ve decided to leave it alone.” 

“Just like that?” you ask.

“Just like that.” Katie replies.

You don’t have anything else to say to her at that point. Picking up your tea and making your way out of the café you feel an upsurge of dread. The bile builds up in your throat as you walk out onto the street. The other girl’s name is still stuck in your mind. 

Jasmine; you find yourself wanting to know all about her, who she is, what she looks like. You hate her then, possibly even more so than Katie. But most of all you hate yourself.

Part of what Katie said to you does ring true. You haven’t been attending classes much at all; that along with the number of times you came late because you slept in, all adds up to how shit you’ve been feeling of late. If Katie noticed then the college definitely has, which means that any dreams you might have about going to university or moving out of piss-hole Bristol will go down the toilet if you manage to fuck up this year.

You find yourself wanting to call Emily, just to hear her voice again. Pulling the phone out of your pocket you scroll down the list of names until you stop at hers. As you press the dial button you feel like the biggest fucking loser on earth because you have no idea what you’ll say to her if she picks up the phone.

Thankfully all you hear is the sound of her answering machine and you don’t leave a message. You’re both relieved and disappointed, and you don’t know how the fuck it’s even possible to feel that way but you do. Tears are building up in your eyes and you still feel fucking sick. _Screw the tea_ you think to yourself as you throw it in the nearest bin and walk away as quickly as you can, trying to block out all memories of Katie or Emily from your head.

It only takes a few short walks before you end up running into a secluded alley in the street, throwing up. The last thought that goes through your mind as you wipe your mouth is that you need to stop being such a fucking coward and just speak to Emily. You make it a plan to do so the next time you see her, which you hope will be soon enough.


	2. Chapter 2

_What is the cure for a broken heart?_

You’re whispering those words to yourself as you lie in bed, trying to fall asleep. You can’t seem to find a way to relax because everything that Katie said earlier really got to you. That and you’re still feeling the pressing urge to call Emily, though you’re reasonable enough to know that that would be a big mistake.

Everyone seems to think you’re an insensitive bitch, or perhaps only Katie does. You’ve had people fuck with you in all sorts of ways before, but not like that. It’s almost like she’s rubbing it in your face; the fact that your relationship with Emily didn’t work out, that Emily’s with someone else now, and you’re all alone. That Katie’s okay with this new girl – or at least goes out of her way to tolerate her – but not you. 

You hate being treated like you don’t have feelings, like nothing can hurt you. But you know you’re partly to blame because for years you’ve built a barrier between yourself and other people, something that only Cook and Emily have been able to break through. It’s no surprise that when the two of them aren’t around you have no one else to turn to. For Christ sake, your own mother has a more stable love life than you, and she’s a right fucking disaster when it comes to relationships. _Maybe it’s genetic_ , you think.

\--

You get a text message, from Effy of all people, inviting you out to a party at some random house she and Freddie crashed for the night, and you don’t text back but decide that you’re going to go out anyway since you know you can’t stay in your room and mope about forever if even Emily isn’t that pathetic. You take a moment to look at the state of the place and realise that it looks a lot worse than ever before, though you’ve always been a bit messy.

Clothes are strung across the floor, along with a few emptied bottles of beer, rum and vodka that you figure must have been there for ages. It’s almost embarrassing how much of a slob you’ve become, and you’re thankful that nobody else has been in your room for a very long time.

Slipping on a plain black top, blue jeans, and a pair of shoes you grab from underneath your bed you make your way into the bathroom taking a moment to look at yourself. You look like shit, there are bags under your eyes and your hair looks awful. It’s almost depressing looking back on your old photographs just how quickly everything has changed in such a short time.

You don’t take another minute to look in the mirror any longer for fear of becoming too self-conscious and doing the worst thing by going back to bed. You need to go out or you’ll end up going crazy. Grabbing the phone, your wallet and the house keys, you make your way out the door and text Effy back, telling her that you’ll be coming over soon.

\--

It doesn’t take long for you to get to the party, the music is blaring and you hear the sound of cheers and laughter coming from inside. You find you’re less than enthusiastic about going in but you are willing to force yourself at that point because you’re done with being the introvert, the fucking ice queen, the one who stays at home while everyone’s at the party.

When you walk into the room, nobody you recognise is there. The place is swarming with random drunks and your half tempted to use your phone again seeing as Effy doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight.

It’s then that you run into the last person you wanted to see the current state of mind you’re in.

Emily notices you out the corner of her eye and just looks at you for a moment. You can’t seem to turn your head away from her and you hate yourself for being such a coward because you can tell she wants to come over and talk to you. But neither of you move an inch further. That is until you see another girl coming over to Emily, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her on the cheek.

It’s then that you regret coming to this party in the first place.

\--

“Hi Naomi, it’s good to see you,” Emily says, after you’ve summoned up to courage to actually walk over and talk to her. “This is my friend, Jasmine.”

“Hi, I’m Naomi,” you say, it’s all really formal and cold. You shake the other girl’s hand and smile at her feeling a lump in your throat the minute she wraps her arm around Emily again.

You take a moment to just look at Jasmine. She’s pretty of course, even with all the piercings and all too obviously fake black hair. It’s weird, you never thought Emily the type to go for that kind of girl, but you never really got a chance to learn just what her “type” really was, apart from you of course.

Jasmine smiles at you but in her eyes you see a tinge of jealousy, especially in the way she shifts herself closer to Emily every time you move forward. The most shocking part is that she’s younger, by almost a year. 

“Emily’s told me all about you,” she says. “She said you used to run student rally’s for free education. I think that’s really cool. I’m one of the runners for the student union at my college. We’re doing a rally close to this weekend, actually.”

 _What the fuck?_ You think to yourself. Not only has Emily left you for a fucking school girl, but one who’s just as politically involved if not more so than you are, were, whatever the fuck. It’s kind of fucking hypocritical since she always suggested you were in too deep, back when you were still together. You decide that you need to get away from the both of them before you end up screaming.

“So, it was nice seeing you again,” Emily says, and you nod your head, trying to swallow the lump in your throat.

“Nice to meet you Naomi,” Jasmine says. “Maybe I’ll see you around yeah?”

 _Like fuck you will_ , you think to yourself, trying so hard to fight the urge to sneer.

You watch them walk away hand in hand and you almost rush out the door if it weren’t for the fact that you’re sticking to your word about meeting with Effy. Maybe she’ll make you feel better, or you’ll both get so fucked up you’ll forget about everything, which is usually the best thing in these kinds of situations.

You were never usually one for drinking the cheap shit people usually served at these parties but as soon as you walk away from the living room and into the kitchen, you grab the nearest cup of whatever fucking alcohol is in it and dunk it down without hesitation. 

“Steady girl,” says the guy serving the drinks. You roll your eyes at him and grab another cup, moving past the line of nameless strangers to any place where you feel like you can be alone.

Out in the backyard you spot two people whom you recognise, and you breathe a sigh of relief as you make your way closer toward them.

“Naomi!” Effy exclaims. She’s fucking drunk and rolling around on the grass with Freddie, kissing his neck. It’s kind of disgusting really. 

“You came. I knew you would. Come have a drink with us”.

You take a seat beside her, and smile, though part of you seems to think that you would feel a whole lot better had it been just you and her, without Freddie around. His presence bothers you for some reason, which is weird because you don’t hate him at all, neither are you unsupportive of the fact that he’s dating Effy. You just can’t stand the sight of any more happy couples tonight.

\--

Almost an hour later, and you’re still feeling pretty horrible, and not in any mood to party; you’re sitting on the grass next to Effy who looks like she’s going to eat Freddie’s face off the way their making out, occasionally turning her head to look back at you.

“Not feeling it are we?” she asks.

“I feel like right shit,” actually you say, wanting to kick yourself for being so honest since you’re not even half-drunk, and Freddie is there. You don’t want to end up spilling your guts since you know he might just as easily spread the word to Cook or JJ, though you suspect he’s not as close with them as he was before, but anything’s possible in their group.

“Freddie, do you mind if we…?” Effy says to him, almost like she can hear your thoughts.

“Sure babe,” he says. “I get it, girl talk and all that”. 

You almost laugh out loud. Clearly Freddie is one of those guys who thinks he knows women in and out. You and Effy both know he doesn’t have a clue. Cook doesn’t either but unlike Freddie he doesn’t pretend to.

Freddie walks away, joining a group of random girls and guys standing further away from you and you find you’re a little more comfortable, like you can talk to Effy without feeling self-conscious.

“You saw her didn’t you?” Effy asks. It’s the second time someone has said that since Katie.

“Yeah,” you say. You figure there’s no point in playing dumb around her. You sigh as you take another sip of the cup finishing your drink trying your best to relax on the grass.

You take a moment to just observe her, and find that she looks a lot different than before. She looks healthier somehow, and is sporting a rather fabulous tan, which you predict has come from her last trip to Italy or wherever the hell she went while she was away. Most of your information about what happened during the break comes from local gossip, and gossip tends to fly around rather quickly as you’ve learned from Katie.

Effy reaches into her bra and pulls out a tin case of smokes, puts two in her mouth, lighting them and offering one to you.

“I’m okay,” you say.

“Well, it’s a bit of a waste Naomi. I’m not going to smoke two of these and you’re…”

“Okay!” you say, not wanting to hear another word about how shit you look or feel before you start getting too self-conscious. You take the cigarette, placing it between your lips as you sit beside Effy who’s acting surprisingly composed for once.

“So…what’s it like?” you ask.

“What’s what like?”

“Oh fuck, you know…love!”

“Great,” she says, turning her head downward, looking at her shoes, her smile fading slowly. “It’s…really lovely”.

“Wow, that sounded convincing,” you mock, though you know you probably shouldn’t, given your current situation.

“It’s fine,” she says, turning back to you. “Nothing’s ever perfect. You know?”

You don’t speak don’t say another word after that, because you know she’s right. Nothing is ever perfect, despite how much you’ve always wanted it to be. It’s fucking depressing hearing that from Effy because as bleak as her view on life usually is, she’s not one to bullshit you. The truth hurts, which is why it’s painful to be around her most of the time.

“Sometimes I wish I could just…” you begin, and stop yourself for fear of saying something incredibly childish.

“What; go back in time? Try to forget? None of it works you know”.

“Like with you and Cook?” you ask, watching Effy’s expression change from a smile to a frown.

“Yeah…like that,” she replies, looking away from you as she blows strings of smoke into the air. You know you’ve hit a nerve then and you’re kind of glad that you and Effy have something in common because the moment you first met her you’d never have guessed. She was always around Katie back then, which was one of many reasons why you stayed away from her. But Effy isn’t like Katie at all, it didn’t take you too long to realise that, and that’s a good thing. For a moment you think you may have found a new best friend.

“Want to get fucked up?” she asks. You blink a couple of times because you think you might be growing delusional.

“What?” you ask.

“Brought a few pills with me tonight…if there’s one thing that’ll help you forget, it’s this”. 

You don’t say no, though you probably should. But you know that you can’t stay sober any minute while seeing Emily with another girl without losing your mind.

Before you know it, you’re in one of the toilets with Effy, the music blaring through the walls as she pulls a couple of pills from the inside of tin before swallowing them down. You’ve both had a couple of drinks before you went inside and your head is starting to spin. It’s great because for once you’re heart is beating at a normal pace and you feel much more relaxed than before.

“You ready,” she asks, a pill at the end of her tongue as she sticks it out moving closer toward you. Every sane bone in your body tells you to protest but the minute Effy kisses you, sticking her tongue down your mouth, all you can do is stand still. 

It reminds you of the time Emily kissed you at Pandora’s party while you were both high on MDMA, but this is different, Effy’s kisses are harder, wanting, her arms wrapping tightly around you, pulling you in. You feel your pussy clench at the hotness of her mouth against yours and you moan slightly before pulling away from her feeling like a total slut.

“I…can’t do this!” you say. “Please I just…”

“I remember Katie saying the exact same thing,” Effy says as she wipes at her lips, looking back at you. “Are you sure you don’t want to?”

“I can’t. I really can’t!” you plead, though some part of you does want to. You hate how desperate you’re becoming. A few months ago and you wouldn’t even dream of getting high in a bathroom and snogging Effy of all people. You hate what you’re becoming, and you’re not even sure what it is. That and the statement about Katie still ringing in your head, you find yourself wondering just how true it really is. But this is Effy, and if she can convince you, then she can surely convince anyone.

“I need to go,” you plead, as you dash out of the bathroom. You don’t look back at Effy for a moment, thinking that if you do you’ll probably end up doing something incredibly stupid, and something you’ll live to regret later on. You’ve already kissed her, and it felt good, though your trying your best to tell yourself you didn’t enjoy it.

Going to a party was supposed to solve your problems, it only made things worse and you’re definitely in no mood to stay there any longer.

Just as you’re about to leave you catch a glimpse of what you assume is Emily, dancing in the middle of the room with that other girl, Jasmine. They look like they’re having an amazing time, and you find yourself having to wipe your eyes as you continue to stare. 

Emily always loved to dance; you were never too keen on it, really, except when the both of you were off your face. You’d never do it at parties or at the club whenever you went out. This new girl seems like a really good dancer, or just knows how to let herself go the way you never could. You find you’re happy for Emily then, but crying for yourself. 

When the two of them kiss you can’t take it anymore, you rush out of the home into the streets, running as fast as you can. You’re vision is getting blurry, you’re mind softening as the drugs Effy gave you. All you can do is run though, run away from the party as fast as you can. You don’t even know if you’re going the right way but you don’t want to stop for a moment.

You end up slowing down because you’re out of breath and because the drugs are fucking with your head so much that you’re afraid if you run any faster you’ll trip and fall flat on your face. You cry, harder than you ever have in a long time. You try your best not to think of Emily but it’s like she’s in your blood or under your skin. You don’t want to say that you still love her, but you’re thinking it. The words “I love her,” repeating themselves over and over again in your head like mantra. You bury your head in your hands as you continue to cry out loud, not caring who knows or who is watching.

\--

The moment you make it back home you’re dizzy, high, exhausted and so fucking depressed you hope you don’t come across any sharp objects. You’re mother and Kieran are no doubt asleep in the other room and you tell yourself that a nice shower would be in order.

You cry into your sleeve, sniffling all over your shirt. Being in the bathroom reminds you of Effy and how she kissed you after you did the drugs together. Your thoughts trail back to what she said about Katie; you find it hard to believe her, but somehow the thought of the two girls kissing fills your head and you hate how it makes your pussy clench, imagining their lips pressed against each other, tongues swirling, Katie biting Effy’s lip and moaning hard against her mouth. 

_Maybe…_ you think. _Maybe their utter contempt for each other has somehow manifested itself into sick curiosity_. It’s fucking perverted, and you don’t know why you’re thinking about it but you do. 

You get yourself off in the shower at the though, immediately regretting it when you pull two fingers out of yourself, letting the cold water splash against your face as you cry uncontrollably. 

\--

You’re in bed later that night and you think about calling Cook for some reason. You don’t know why but you do. Probably because you’re so fucking high you can barely think straight, but mostly because you know he feels the same way as you do, especially after all the shit with Effy. You saw it on his face the day he came back to Bristol. He’s the best you’ve got and you know he’ll understand despite being a dick most of the time.

“Hello,” you say when you hear him pick up.

“Naomi, man. Didn’t anybody ever tell you? Phone sex is never as good as the real thing”. 

You wipe your eyes, groaning a little. You can’t believe you didn’t expect him to make at least one sleazy joke, but you’re too high to care, and it doesn’t put you off because you really need to talk to him.

“Cook, don’t be a prick, alright? I need to ask you something.”

“Yeah, yeah. Alright babe, what’s wrong?”

“Coo…” You try your best to ask but the words get caught in your throat and you feel like crying again.

“What is it?”

“How do you get over someone you love?”

“Usually you go out, get drunk, shag everyone you know and all that…”

“Cook I’m fucking serious!”

“So am I.”

You sigh deeply, trying to calm down. “It doesn’t help though does it? Like with you and Effy…”

He doesn’t say anything after that, and knowing how Effy reacted when you brought it up you figure it’s the same for him. You can hear the sound of his breath on the other line. You’re so trashed you feel like you could collapse right there on your bed, the room is fucking spinning all around you. Even after the shower you feel like your burning up a bit.

“Are you there?”

“I got an idea babe…how about we don’t tell each other our secrets and just hang out, yeah? You owe me that pint and a laugh, Naomikins”.

“I’ve got a lot of stuff to catch up on from college,” you say, and it’s the truth. From the amount of times you’ve stayed in you’re probably heaps behind, so much so that no excuses or good words from Kieran will do any good.

“Fuck College! C’mon Naomikins, let’s meet up”.

You think about it for a moment, and reluctantly agree. “Okay…where?”

“Keith’s pub, tomorrow afternoon. Guaranteed if I don’t get a hint that I’ll be getting in your pants soon, I’ll be paying for all your drinks”.

“Goodnight Cook,” you say hanging up, exhausted from the running, the crying and the drugs. You want to talk to him longer but you just don’t have the energy. You flop down on the bed, resting your head against the sheets and your eyes seem to take on a life of their own because you fall asleep long before you even take the time to realise.

\--

When you wake up the next morning you’ve got a bit of a headache and you can almost feel the bags growing under your eyes. You check your phone and find that you have a few missed calls from a number you don’t recognise. You dial the number almost by reflex only to hear the voice of the last person in the world you wanted to speak to.

“Finally! Were you sleeping in again, you dozy cow?”

“What do you want Katie?”

“Okay…normally I wouldn’t ask you this. But I need a huge favour”.

You’re intrigued. Katie has never asked you for a favour before, not that you’d ever be willing to do anything for her, but you’re still intrigued.

“What is it?”

Katie sighs. “Okay, my mum and I have this thing going on right now; a wedding planning business, actually. We were supposed to hire a model to take shots of a dress and everything, but the stupid fucking bitch pulled out at the last minute”.

You let out a weak laugh. “Oh, so you want me to model do you Katie? That is so flattering, but I could care less about you or your mother’s wedding business so you can both shove it up your tits!”

You don’t mean for it to come out as harsh as it does, but you’re still so angry with her over what she said to you in the café that you’re not even thinking straight. 

“Fuck you Naomi, alright?” she snaps. “You honestly think I’d ask you of all people. I’m just fucking desperate right now okay? We need a blonde who’s reasonably good looking and can just stand there and look pretty without doing anything stupid or embarrassing us in front of our customers. I’d ask Pandora but she doesn’t fit into that category. You do! Besides, we’ll pay you. So just do me this one favour alright and after that’s done you can fuck off and mope around all you want”.

“Relax, okay!” you say. “I’ll do it. Okay I’ll fucking do it. It’s just…I’m meeting up with Cook at Keith’s later on and…”

“Well you’re going to have to break your date with Cook aren’t you?”

You’re about to snap and say something about it not being a date, but all you can manage to say it a tired “yeah, okay,” as you wipe your eyes, flipping the mess of hair from your face.

“I’ll text you the address,” Katie says. “And you better fucking be here soon because we’re running out of time and the photographer’s getting impatient”. 

You get the text message almost as soon as you hang up, which makes you think that Katie really is as desperate as she says she is. You make your way into the bathroom, and take a quick look at yourself in the mirror. Your hair’s a mess and you’re still feeling the effects of the drugs wearing off slowly. 

You don’t know how your going to be able to model, let alone stand in the state you’re in. But for some reason you don’t seem to care. Any kind of escape is good for you at this point, even if that means spending time with Katie.


	3. Chapter 3

Despite your reservations about ditching Cook, you end up agreeing to meet with Katie for the photoshoot instead, and somehow you feel like you’ve lost your mind because no same person would ever pick the aggravating sister of their ex-girlfriend over a reasonable guy like Cook. It’s funny; there was a time when you wouldn’t have thought that way of him at all. But he’s come to prove you wrong, which makes you feel even worse for lying to him.

You don’t know why, but part of you feels sorry for Katie, and it’s incredibly strange. But she does sound like she’s really getting into this wedding planning thing, which you think is unlike her, because you can’t remember Katie being into anything, really. It’s nice to know she actually has some goals apart from being a footballer’s wife, which to the best of your knowledge was her only aspiration. She seems to have finally let go of that lifestyle though, thank god.

You’re also incredibly curious about this thing with Effy. Especially since Katie Fitch was supposed to be the straight, homophobic sister of what she once referred to as a “raving dyke”. You can just imagine the look on her face when you reveal what you just found out last night. Looking back on it in retrospect, it all starts to make a little bit of sense.

All of these things don’t take away the fact that you’d much rather be in bed. You’ve rushed out of the house without eating breakfast or anything, not to mention you haven’t had caffeine in your system and it makes you feel like you’re going to pass out any minute. You look and feel like shit, so much so that you think the people Katie is working with will probably kick you out the minute they see you, which in your case would be a blessing. But probably not for her – she’d most likely end up resenting you more than she already does, if that’s even possible.

\--

When you finally arrive, it only takes a few seconds before she’s in your face asking what took you so long, that and making a predictable slur about your hair and clothes. 

“Nice to see you too Katie,” you say.

“Whatever. Hurry up will you? They’ve been waiting!”

You thread your fingers through your hair and realise just how much of a mess it really is. And when you follow Katie to the dressing room, the ladies stare you down the way they predicted they would. 

“Oh…” one of them says, a stocky built woman wearing the most disgusting shade of purple you’ve ever seen and too much jewelry and make-up.

“You must be Lily,”

“Sorry?”

“Lily, Lillian, dear. We’ve been waiting here for hours and the photographer is really cross. Hurry it up and get into your dress, please.” 

Katie is just about to speak when you cut her off looking at the lady.

“First of all, my name is Naomi. And I’m not your fucking housemaid! I’m here out of favour, so you can just hurry up and piss off.”

The woman’s face turned red immediately and she looked like she was about to snap, but was cut off the minute Jenna Fitch walked into the room.

“What is going on here? Has she arrived yet or…”

“Mum,” Katie said, sounding nervous. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but Lily pulled out for the day and I called Naomi because…”

Jenna cuts her off and turns to face the other ladies

“I’m sorry Alice, but could you excuse us for a moment. I need to talk to my daughter in private”.

The old cow and the other two ladies make their way out of the room, but not before giving you the most ridiculous snare you’ve ever seen, their lips curling in such a comical way you find yourself having to stifle a laugh.

“Naomi dear, could you please wait outside? Katie and I need to have a little chat?”

You don’t bother arguing with her, you’ve been around at the Fitches enough times to know that Jenna is not someone you want to start a fight with, not that you can’t take care of yourself, it’s just that you don’t have the time for it.

The moment you make your way outside you can hear them arguing, and you can’t help but blame yourself for that. You knew that coming to this place would start that sort of thing, since Jenna never liked you. For the whole time you’d been dating Emily you tried your best to stay away from her. And now you have to put up with both her and Katie. It makes you feel like a complete idiot, because it’s almost like your letting yourself get into one bad situation after the other.

“Of all the people you could have called, you had to bring her back into our lives!” you hear Jenna say.

“I didn’t know, okay? There wasn’t anyone else I could call. Really, it’s alright, I can handle it!”

“Just when I thought she was out of our lives for good…”

That last comment makes you so angry you’re fighting the urge to just walk in there and slap the shit out of her, but you don’t want to cause any trouble. You keep telling yourself that you’ll be getting paid for this shit, and that’s good enough. 

But the way Jenna Fitch talks about you, and _to_ you most of the time, drives you up the wall. That stupid fake smile of hers, and the way her eyes stare you down like you’re nothing, makes your gut wrench and your fists tighten almost by themselves. You basically turn into Cook, who has the least amount of self-restraint you’ve ever seen in any guy. Somehow, right there and then, you don’t blame him.

“Listen,” Katie says to her. “I didn’t want to do this okay, there just wasn’t anybody else”.

“I’m just…I’m really disappointed in you Katie”.

You laugh, despite yourself. Your mother has never used that old line on you. Possibly because she always knew you’d end up calling her a fucking cow and nothing she said as a retort could ever compare. You get the feeling that Katie is somehow dependent on her mother’s approval. It’s sad, but understandable, since most “normal” families tend to function that way. Except for yours of course.

Katie steps outside and gives you that same aggravated stare she did when you first arrived. She looks a little upset, with Jenna no doubt, and you know she’s going to take it out on you.

“Fucking get inside and stop causing more trouble, okay?”

You just nod at her; you don’t even try to put up a fight anymore since you suspect that Katie will be the least of your problems for the day, and because this modeling idea is starting to sound more and more appealing. A year ago you would have hated the idea, but you figure it isn’t that bad since they won’t be taking any nude shots of you or anything like that, thank god.

You follow her back into the room but not without being stared down by Alice when she walks back in. She gives you that same snare, and all you can do is hold your mouth, stopping yourself from laughing again.

\--

The preparations take a while. You’re not used to having people doing you up. Not to mention you’ve become somewhat uncaring of your appearance for a long time and it’s kind of embarrassing. The lady who’s doing your hair and make-up doesn’t seem to mind, she doesn’t even speak to you, just applies the foundation to your skin, does your eyes and hair while you sit there, bored and uncomfortable, waiting for this thing to be over.

The first shoot isn’t all that bad. You were expecting to screw it up somehow by either standing in the wrong position, not smiling to the camera or some other stupid shit, but modeling for a wedding business is possibly the most unimaginative thing in the world, even you know that. 

You’re standing in the middle of the street for some of them, for the others you’re sitting on the grass or just looking up at the sky while the photographer snaps shots at you. You never smile, he asks you to but you don’t do it just to annoy him. The wind is strong and your hair blows in all directions, making a mess. You run your hand through a lock and hear him almost squeal in anticipation.

“Oh my god,” he says. “Hold it please. This is a good shot!” You don’t argue, you just let him take the shot, even though the urge to call him a name is so tempting. You go through almost a dozen different hairstyles and dresses before they’re done. It’s surprisingly enjoyable, and for the first time in months you actually like looking at yourself in the mirror. You love the way your hair looks when they do you up, curling it into a number of different styles. Katie nods her head in approval when you turn to face her after the cameraman takes the shot. She doesn’t smile at you but you know you’ve made her happy, and Jenna too, who’s still flashing you that fake smile, which you would in any other case find insulting but you let her bask in her glory since you know she needs something to fuel her ego. 

\--

You were never the type of person who wondered how you’d look in a wedding dress, but the moment you’re back in the dressing room standing in front of a full body mirror you can’t help but admire the way the dress sits on you, the way it accentuates your breasts and shoulders. You smile, tilting your head a little as you continue to observe the person in the mirror, because she looks nothing like the person you recognise as yourself.

Katie startles you when she walks back into the dressing room.

“Nice to see you’re acting like a woman for once”.

You scoff, before turning away, feeling embarrassed about how she caught you in such a private moment.

“You, know. I think I could say the same for you,” you say.

“Fuck off. I’m not the one who walks around in fucking bags ten sizes too big for me,” she retorts before sitting down on one of the chairs, looking in the mirror while doing her make-up.

You hadn’t realised just how good Katie looks until a few moments ago. She looks…mature somehow. Her clothing still reminiscent of the Katie you know well, though the leopard print seems somewhat…classier than before? You can’t explain it; only that she does look good. The granny chic is definitely something most girls can’t really pull off, not that you’re an expert. But Katie can. Though she has always been a good dresser, you’ve never admitted it, even to yourself. Also you think she must have dyed her hair recently since it seems to be getting darker every time you see her. The colour looks good on her, it stands out and thankfully makes her look a lot less like Emily.

“Staring is rude, you know,” she says.

“…What?”

Katie laughs, shaking her head. “Are you on crack or something, Naomi? Or has your recent break up with my sister fucked you over so much that you can’t think properly”. 

“Yeah I was pretty high last night. Went to a party with Effy. She told me an interesting story about you, actually.” 

Katie flips you off but the change of expression on her face tells you everything you need to know. You’re beginning to wonder if it’s wise to continue pushing it. For all you know, Effy could easily have toyed with her the same way she did with you. Emily always said Effy had a way of fucking with people’s lives, and you didn’t believe her. Perhaps you think you may hold Effy Stonem in too high regard. It’s possible; she has dumped Pandora recently, the one person who was supposed to be her “best friend” and she’s no doubt still fucking around, even though she’s with Freddie. At least that was the impression she gave by hitting on you last night.

“I wouldn’t listen to Effy if I were you. That whore is fucking crazy,” Katie says. “All I can say is, whatever pain and suffering Freddie will get from being with her, it’s all well and truly deserved”. 

You break, you can’t help it anymore, you don’t want to say it out loud but Katie’s obvious denial is just too amusing not to start playing at.

“But she’s a good kisser, right?”

“What?”

“I mean you’ve been there haven’t you?”

“What the fuck are you talking about Naomi? I really think you’re lack of sleep is starting to melt your brain”.

“She told me okay!” you finally snap. “She told me about how you and her kissed…possibly even more, I don’t even want to know. I really could care less to be honest what you do in your spare time, but if what she says is true then you’re a fucking hypocrite you know that. Worse, you’re a closet-case!”

“Fuck you,” she snaps back looking away from the mirror and directly at you. “I’m not stupid okay. I know what this is about. This is about Emily…that and how you can’t seem to just get over it! You think it’s easy for me? I tried to like you, I tried to accept you’re relationship with her. And what did you do? You fucked it up over spilled milk. And as for Effy it only happened once and I was off my fucking face!”

“Ha, excuses, excuses”. 

“Whatever,” Katie says, turning away from you and back to the mirror. “You need to figure yourself out Naomi, because the way you’re going now you’ll end up a lonely drunk bitch while Emily will forget all about you. She already has. Think about it…she’s with someone new, she doesn’t care that you’re not coming to college or that you’re not even showing your face to anyone. If she really loved you the way she did she would have at least spoken to you once. I live with her and believe it or not we’re kind of getting along now, and I’d know if she misses you, which doesn’t seem to be the case. God…and people think I’m a selfish bitch!”

The words sting like a cut to the heart, you feel it in your chest and you hate that Katie’s right. Emily hasn’t called you; she hasn’t spoken to you at all except for last night, and only then because your presence was coincidental. The conversation you had couldn’t have been more awkward, not to mention Jasmine was there as well, which made it all the worse.

“I…don’t want to fight. And I’m leaving,” you say. It’s the easier and less stressful option. 

“Careful with the dress,” Katie says. “We’ll be sure to pay you. And have fun on your date with Cook”.

You don’t even care to respond. You undress quickly, put your clothes back on and walk away from the place before you even have time to think. You don’t know why you let Katie get to you but you do. Her words hurt so much, and not because she said them but because they bring your memories right back to Emily. 

You don’t want that; you want to forget Emily and move on, much the same way she has. But you’re not like her, and Katie is wrong. It’s not about being a selfish bitch. It’s about wanting something and having the courage to take it. Emily has always been a much braver person than you. Maybe she needs someone like Jasmine to be there for her, though you can never know for sure because the thought of even talking to Emily’s new girlfriend makes you sick.

\--

You keep your head down as you walk down the street; you feel your face burning up and you wish you weren’t sober because everything hurts. It’s been such a short day but it’s already getting dark. Your sleeping habits are for shit and you know if you keep this up any longer sooner or later you won’t even have the motivation nor the courage to leave the home. 

You’re thinking about Cook as you continue your walk, still beating yourself up about how you lied to him. Maybe he’ll know how to make you feel better, even though he can never take anything you’ll say seriously. But maybe that’s what you need right now, someone who lives hard but is still able to smile and laugh about it. Cook is the only person you know who fits that description.

By the time you get home, you want nothing better than to collapse right back into bed, but you don’t. You check your phone to see exactly what you were afraid of. Cook called you twice, and left one message asking you where you were and it’s then that you feel like the biggest bitch in the world. You don’t even have words for it anymore. 

You know he probably won’t be at the pub so you don’t even think about going over there, not to mention your legs are killing you. But you make the decision to go over to his place and apologise to him face to face since you know he deserves it. You don’t even care that you’re walking back and forth like an idiot. You just need to see him, though you know that by the time you’ll make it home again you’ll probably sleep in since you feel terrible.

The walk to Cook’s place isn’t all that long, or maybe you’re just walking so quickly that you just make it there really easy. When you come to the door of his apartment room the urge to turn back and walk away is so strong it starts to bring back memories of waiting at the door for Emily. You don’t turn away you don’t even dare to let yourself think about it. Knocking on the door a couple of times you close your eyes and pray he’s there. You can hear a shuffling and a voice so you figure he’s in the room, and even though you don’t know what you’ll say to him, seeing his face will be enough.

When he opens the door he’s in nothing but his briefs and somehow you’re not at all surprised. You are surprised at his reaction to you though, he seems somewhat shocked to see you but also upset…something you hadn’t seen for a while since he’s usually prone to hiding his feelings beneath a stupid grin. 

“Uh…hey,” you say to him, feeling stupid for not being more eloquent but he opened the door so quickly you didn’t know what to do. 

“Naomi…uh, I’m not sure if this is a good time or anything but…”

“Cookie babes,” a voice says, it’s coming from behind him and it sounds like a girl. She comes to the door and leans on him a bit before she notices you. She’s tall, thin, brunette wearing next to nothing and looks strikingly like someone you and Cook both know well.

“Oh,” she says. “Who’s this?”

Cook scratches his head awkwardly and you know then that you’ve made a big mistake showing up at his door like this. 

“Just a friend,” you say, nodding back at Cook who looks like he’s trying his best to relax. “I was actually just leaving”. And this you do, without even looking back for a moment; you feel embarrassed, distraught, tired and all kinds of shitty so much so that you feel another headache building up.

What you can’t get over is how blatantly obvious he is about not being over Effy. You always thought he was better than that, but somehow you think that maybe you were wrong about Cook all along. Maybe he is just a dick, a moron with zero-redeeming value. But you know he isn’t, you won’t believe that for a moment. He’s just lonely and fucked up, and for the most part, sick in love. The two of you are more alike than you think.

You stop to take a seat on a bench while you’re on your way back home and decide to call Katie. You don’t know why but you feel like somehow you need to talk to her properly for just a few minutes without breaking into an argument. 

“What do you want?” you hear Katie say as soon as she answers, her voice sending a jolt of pain in your heart, and not the good kind.

“Listen…sorry about earlier okay? You were right; I do need to get over it. And it’s none of my business what you and Effy do together…”

“First of all,” she begins. “Effy and I aren’t _doing_ anything. She’s with Freddie and I don’t give a fuck about them. Let’s just say we still dislike each other but we’ve come to an uneasy truce of sorts. Now…you were about to apologise for being such a rabid cow!”

“Fuck, okay yes, sorry about that alright. Let’s meet up!”

You don’t know how or why you threw in that last request but you know there’s no turning back from it once you’ve asked.

“I thought you were out with Cook”.

Your head begins to hurt at the mere mention of his name. “Cook’s…got other plans. Look I really need to talk to you. Can we just sit down, have a few drinks and talk like civilized people just once?”

Katie sighs, “Where?”

“What?”

“Fuck’s sake. Where do you want to meet up?”

“Um…at Keith’s pub. Just come over and we’ll talk”.

“God, I hate that place, but yeah, let’s do it”.

The moment she hangs up you’re actually surprised at how easy that went. You’re thinking that maybe Katie has changed a whole lot more than you originally thought. But you still can’t figure out for the life of you why you made the decision to meet up. Possibly because there’s just so much you need to get off your chest and even though Katie is as aggravating as she is, you still get the feeling she’s a much better listener than Cook.

\--

You’re sitting at the bar when she walks in through the door and sits next to you, ordering herself a drink. 

“Started without me have we?” she asks looking down at you. You feel pathetic for having a few drinks before she came over but you were so fucking tired and stressed out you just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I saw Emily last night,” you say, your voice growing weak. “At the party with Effy and Freddie. I saw her new girlfriend too”.

“Why am I not surprised? I’m guessing Effy invited you out to this little shindig”.

You shake your head, wiping your eyes, afraid of what Katie will suggest next. “As a matter of fact, she did”.

Katie laughs. “Figures”.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Think about it, Effy invites you out to a party knowing that Emily is there with Jasmine, most probably just to stir you up. I remember a while back in one conversation with her she went on to say that _I_ made a mistake for letting Emily dump you, that I should have done everything in my power to help your relationship last. Like I care, your lezzer drama is not something I wanted to be part of in the first place. But she went on to say that it was my responsibility. This coming from the same girl who toyed with Freddie and Cook for a year; I don’t care about either of them but still, that was pretty shitty. Now, she’s still trying to prove a point by pushing you in the direction of my sister knowing you haven’t got over her yet. I don’t know what she’s playing at exactly but I know for sure that when Effy Stonem is involved in something you can guarantee it’s not going to be good”.

“You honestly think she’s that manipulative?”

“You don’t? We’re talking about someone who fucked my boyfriend while leaving me bleeding to death out in Gobbler’s End. I don’t think anyone – even my sister – can’t, at the very least, question Effy’s motivation behind everything she does at this point. As far as I’m concerned everything that comes out of her mouth is a big fucking lie”.

“Oh, I see. And how does the two of you making out fit into all of this?”

“We were both off our faces, and I guess that’s her way of apologizing. Either way, we’re still not friends and probably never will be”.

You’re silent for a moment, you’re hands are shaking because you’re about to reveal something that will confirm Katie’s very words. You don’t want to say it out loud but the alcohol you drunk earlier is making you incredibly honest.

“She kissed me last night”.

A shocked look appears on Katie’s face and you know then that you’ve really fucked yourself over.

“Who kissed you? Emily?”

“Effy,” you answer. 

“Please tell me you’re joking,” she says, her voice turning so serious it almost hurts to hear her speak.

You nod your head, looking back down at your beer and then back at Katie whose hand is pressed gently against her forehead.

“In that case…I don’t think I need to tell you anything more at this point do I?” she asks.

“No,” you say. “No you don’t”.

Katie is so right about everything and you hate that she is. But you don’t know Effy well enough to be completely sure. It all seems like very sound reasoning though, and coming from Katie you know that it’s genuine because Katie is one of the most brutally honest people you know. It’s always a trait you found incredibly annoying, but in this case, it’s something you feel like you need. It’s why you decided to meet up with her in the first place.

The two of you sit in silence for the next hour or so, just drinking and occasionally looking back at each other. You’re trying to process most of what Katie has told you and it makes you so fucking angry. Not at her but at Effy, and Emily too. The alcohol is dulling it down though, thankfully because in any other case you’d probably run into the bathroom and scream your lungs out, or throw a tantrum right there and then. After a few drinks all you want to do is laugh.

It’s late when you and Katie walk out of the pub. She looks at you for a moment and smiles, it’s not something you’ve seen her do before and it’s kind of nice. Happiness does things for Katie’s appearance and you find yourself wishing she smiled more often.

“You need to go home and get some fucking sleep you know that?” she says.

“Uh-huh,” you say, still off your face and feeling like you’re about to tumble and fall.

“And just so we’re clear. I think it’s best that you stay away Effy, and Emily at this point”.

“The two E’s,” you say, laughing and she laughs along with you as well.

“Two Evils? How does that sound?” she asks.

“I think that’s what we’ll call them at this point,” you say.

“We? I never even realised when we became friends all of a sudden”.

“As long as we’re not shoving each other against the wall or pushing each other into desks, I’d say that’s some kind of progress”. 

“You’re incredibly daft Naomi, but you can be lots of fun when you try,” she says. It’s the closest thing to a complement you think you’ll ever get from her.

“We should do this again some time”. 

“Maybe,” she says, “as long as the conversations don’t revolve around my sister or Effy, please”.

“You know what…I think you’ve got yourself a deal”.

When Katie walks away you can’t help but stare. You smile to yourself; it’s the first time you’ve felt really good in ages. You savor the moment because you know the minute you set eyes on Cook, Emily or Effy that feeling will go away, but everything Katie said to you has given you confidence somehow, and you think then, that maybe – just maybe – you’ve gone on picking the wrong friends when the real one has been in front of you all this time. It’s a ridiculous thought, and you’re drunk as fuck, but it makes you feel better and that’s enough for you, at least for the time being.


	4. Chapter 4

As it turns out, good feelings and alcohol have a lot in common. Both are just a temporary fix, a distraction away from your problems. Something you use to feel better for the time being until it all runs out and you end up back in the same place you were before, as lonely and unfulfilled as you were the first time around.

You don’t realise how fast asleep you were or how long it took for you to get home from the bar until you wake up while it’s still dark to find yourself back in bed, with your clothes still on, your head pounding and your chest tightening, making you feel like it’s going to explode. Something else is wrong with you, you can’t seem to relax and you find it hard to breathe. You’re incredibly nervous and you can’t calm down. You haven’t had a panic attack before, but you don’t know what else it could be.

Lifting yourself from the mattress, you sit up and take long deep breaths, trying your best to slow your heart. It isn’t working at first, but you keep trying. You feel worse than you ever have in ages and you don’t even know where this is coming from. You’re panting so hard you can hear your own breathing coming in short loud gasps, and you suspect someone else in the house just might hear you. Your face is flushed and you feel hot and slightly nauseous. You try to lie back down again but it only gets worse.

You stand up for a moment, and pace around the room a few times and it starts to calm you down a little. A few more walks back and forth and you finally manage to steady your breathing. A million thoughts are going through your head, mostly of Katie or Emily, you can’t even tell. Flashes of red hair, small delicate fingers running across your face. You don’t know, which one of them is touching you. It makes you sick, and you almost want to throw up but you force yourself not to. 

Throwing yourself back on the bed you lie down and look up at the ceiling. It’s still dark, you’re completely exhausted and you still want to get as much sleep as possible. The warmth of your bed being the only form of comfort you have. You wait until your breathing slows and after a good long few minutes of lying there you start to feel a little better.

“What the fuck was that?” you say out loud.

Nobody answers.

\--

You sleep pretty well. Too well, it seems. You don’t feel like getting out of bed at all once the morning sunlight shines in through the window and you’re so glad it’s the weekend because you’re not so sure if you’d have the strength to go to college the way you are, not to mention you wouldn’t want to bump into Cook after what happened last night, or Effy, or Emily or Katie for that matter. All you want to do is be alone, and this time, you’re surer of that fact than you’ll ever be.

You hear your name being called out from the living room, and you roll your eyes, not wanting to move from the bed at all. 

“Piss off,” you groan tiredly. But after two more calls you just can’t stand it anymore. You roll over, stumbling a little as you slide off the mattress and make your way out through the door.

“What the fuck do you want?” you snap as soon as you walk into the kitchen, immediately feeling a tingle of regret because not only is your mother there, but Kieran’s at the table as well. His eyes widening in shock at your words as he sips at his tea, holding the newspaper open in one hand.

“Well…it’s been a while since you’ve spoken to me like that,” Gina says. “I was beginning to think you’d lost your bite.”

“Mum…I’m really tired, I haven’t slept properly in days and I feel like shit. So whatever it is you want from me right now, it better be important”.

“Kieran,” Gina says, staring back at him. 

“Oh…right,” he says, putting his tea down and looking back at you.

“Things have been bad kiddo. The other day that new fucker of a principal David Blood called me into his office and told me you’d been a bit behind on some of the coursework this term. Not to mention you haven’t been showin’ up much lately. I tried to defend ‘ya Naomi, but the guys a real pisser…”

“Who the fuck is David Blood?” you say, trying to fight the urge to scream. “Whatever happened to Harriet?”

Gina smiles. “You really haven’t been attending that much at all have you?” she says. “Look we just need to know if you’re okay, or if you can still handle this thing with college. If this is about something that’s bothering you, if it’s about Emily…”

You _do_ scream then.

“It’s not about Emily! “Why the fuck does everything have to be about Emily?”

You want to cry whenever people bring her up. First Katie at the café, now your mother and Kieran. It’s almost like you can’t get away from her. 

“Okay! Calm down!” she says. “We’re just letting you know if there’s anything we can do to help…”

“There’s nothing you can do, alright? Can I just…I need to…”

You feel a headache coming on, and when you close your eyes, the image of Katie and what she said to you back at the café comes up again for some reason and you feel your stomach turn. 

“I need to get more sleep,” you say, your voice growing weak. Gina takes the hint and just nods at you. You don’t even bother saying another word, just walk back to your room climbing into bed, covering your face in your hands.

You’re crying again, for no other reason but what Gina said to you. You were lying that it isn’t about Emily because in a way it is. But it’s also about Katie, Cook and Effy, it’s about everything that’s happened and everything that hasn’t over the last few months. 

The anger comes up inside you again, and you slam your fist hard against the sheet. 

“I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her”! You say out loud to yourself.

But you don’t, and that’s the biggest problem. 

\--

Gina comes into the room and wakes you up after about half an hour or so later after you’ve fallen asleep for the second time. You hadn’t even noticed you’d drifted off, but at least the headache is gone. You’re surprisingly calm, but you don’t want to start another fight. 

“Go away!” you tell her, but she just smiles at you and sits down, running a hand through your hair. It surprises you for a moment, because she hasn’t done that in years. 

“Look…if college is bothering you that much you can easily just take a break. Maybe take some time off, figure out what you want to do”.

“I’m not taking a fucking break from college!” you groan. “I’ve already screwed everything else so far, just add my fucking future to the list why don’t you?”

She doesn’t say a word, just sits there, still running a hand through your hair. It’s kind of comforting, but you don’t let her know that.

“Everything’s just so…God! I don’t know why I even bothered in the first place,” you say. “I should never have gone to the Love Ball. I should never have taken that chance…”

“Don’t say that, love,” Gina says. “I know things didn’t work out well between you and Emily, and lord knows I’m not an expert when it comes to relationships. But you did your best.”

“Did I?” you say, sounding ever more desperate. You turn to face her, disregarding the fact that your eyes are tearing up slightly.

Gina sighs. “Have you tried talking to her lately?”

You don’t respond. And you don’t have it in you to tell her the truth about what’s been going on the past two days or so because you think it’ll scare her. 

“You should try it,” she says. “It’s been months now, and I’m sure whatever was bothering her before is long over now. At the very least, the two of you could become friends again”.

She doesn’t tell you anything else, just leaves you lying on the bed when she walks out of the room. 

You want to scream at how bad everything has been going lately. Not to mention you know you’ll be dreading the moment when you go back to college and that Blunt fucker or whatever his name is calls you into his office to tell you what a complete mess of a student you’ve been. 

You slam your hand down hard against the sheets again and groan tiredly. It’s an undeniable fact; the last few days have been the absolute worst of your fucking life.

\--

You rest for just a little while longer, but you know you can’t stay in bed all day. You’ve been doing that far too often. And you decide that it’d be best to take your mother’s advice for once and speak to Emily. 

The very thought of it makes you nervous. You have no idea what you’ll say to her, and the conversation you had with Katie last night is still bothering you a little. Looking back in retrospect, you wonder just why she gave you that advice, to stay away from Effy and Emily. Knowing Katie it wasn’t because she cares about your well being, it makes you laugh to even think that that’s the case. The two of you aren’t even friends.

Whatever it is, you know you won’t have any peace of mind until to actually go there and speak to Emily again, because you know you’ll have to sooner or later, and it would be better if it were done according to your plan for once. 

For a moment you wonder whether you’ll ever hear from Cook again. That last meet was awkward as fuck, and you’re not sure if he’ll be too embarrassed to speak to you, or if he’ll just shrug it off and continue to playfully taunt you with sex offers the way he usually does. That or he’ll go on ignoring you, though you don’t think he’s really the type. Freddie does that; he pushes people away, even the people closest to him. Cook doesn’t, though you never know. You haven’t been around him all that much to really tell.

Everything’s quiet when you make your way into the bathroom. You figure your mother and Kieran decided to go out or something. Looking in the mirror again, you see that you haven’t improved all that much since last time, even with all the make-up from the photo shoot previously. Your face is pale, your eyes hollow and you can’t even force yourself to fucking smile.

No use in trying to improve the way you look without feeling better first. It’s what you’re thinking to yourself when you turn the tap on to splash water on your face. You take a moment to think about Katie, and what she said to you, but also at how much she’s changed in such a short time. You know you’ve had a lot of catching up to do but when you see her, and talk to her, it’s almost like being with a completely different person from the Katie you knew and loathed. 

It’s hard to believe that so much change can come from just a rock in the head. Though, there still is that little bit of the old Katie in her that comes out every once in a while. But overall, she’s become much more tolerable, almost pleasant to be around. It’s a nice change from before, and something you think you could get used to if not for the fact that she still is Emily’s sister.

\--

Before you make your way out of the home, you go through your room looking for any possible left over cigarettes. You’ve been busting for one for a long time; it’s the only thing that can calm you down. And going through the mess you manage to find a pack lying around on the floor amongst all the other piles of junk you’ve been leaving around. The disappointing thing is that there’s only one left. You groan in frustration, running your hand through your hair, but it’s better than nothing, so you decide to save it, no matter how bad you feel.

You remember having an awkward conversation with Emily once about JJ’s room, how much of an absolute mess it was. Looking around your own room, you start to think that it’s the same case with you as well. Though, the idea of comparing yourself to someone like JJ is ridiculous, and you’re still incredibly disturbed by the image of him and Emily having sex. You do need to clean up though, that’s a fact. Because you’ve been living like a slob for god knows how long, and it’s kind of embarrassing. You can only imagine what Cook or Katie would say had they been in here.

As you step out of the door to the front yard of your home you light yourself a cigarette, the only one you have left. You can’t stand it; you’re not strong enough to save it even for a few hours later. Fuck it, it’s not like you’re going to quit any time soon, not with the way things are going.

The way to Emily’s place isn’t something you’ve forgotten easily so it isn’t a problem for you to get there. You stand outside, on the front porch and it reminds you of the time you first came in to find her, only to have to face Jenna Fitch of all people. If there’s anything you don’t want to happen again, it’s that. You ‘d already had enough of her back at the photo shoot, and you can still remember the amount of times you and Emily had to practically sneak around for the whole time you were dating. It’s depressing, looking back on it all. 

\--

You come to the door, with your hand raised, just about ready to knock, and you feel the same familiar hesitation you did whenever you came to the Fitches before. It’s been so long since you’ve come here, but the house is still so familiar. It pains you to think that you’ll never be able to forget this place.

The door opens and luckily the wicked witch of the west Jenna Fitch isn’t in, but it isn’t Emily either. You don’t know whether you should be thankful that it’s Katie but you kind of are.

“Well…I see you still haven’t been sleeping,” she says. “How long has that been now? Three days? Three weeks?”

Katie’s hands are covered over with gloves, and stained with hair dye and she’s blinking at you the same way she did the first day of college. You find slightly irritating but also kind of cute, and you have no idea why.

“Are you going to say something Naomi?” she asks. “Or are you still fucked up from the other night. Either way, make it fucking quick will you because as you can see, I’m a little busy here”.

“Never take a break at all these days do you, Katie?” you ask, eying her the way you usually do whenever you make it known you won’t be intimidated by her. “Believe it or not, but I’m not here to see you!”

“Katie, who is it?” a voice you recognise calls out from inside the home.

Katie turns back and smiles, trying to stifle a laugh.

“You’re joking!” she says, laughing at you, and the urge to slap her comes up inside you again. 

“You really are pathetic. So what, our little conversation last night didn’t sink in? Or are you feeling guilty again?”

“Oh, piss off Katie, seriously!” you snap at her, and turn to face the other way. You want to walk away from the house; you don’t want to speak to Emily when Katie’s in the room, or vice versa. It’s just too fucking awkward.

“Hey!” Katie shouts. “Stop being such a fucking coward for once and just come in will you? It’s alright, my mom and dad are out for the day and my pervy brother isn’t going to try and jump you, okay? So just fucking get in!”

You know this is your only chance, and you feel stupid for not expecting something like this to happen, because it wouldn’t have made sense for Emily to be at home alone, and if she were, you’re not quite sure if you’d have to courage to come in. That’s the funny thing about Katie actually; she pushes you to do these things. Never before did you think you were capable of getting into a catfight and she proved you wrong at the Love Ball. You’re less fearful around her, it’s strange but uplifting.

\--

The moment you walk in through the door Katie doesn’t wait for you to get yourself settled, she just walks back into the living room while you’re standing there, trying your best not to freak out. 

You can hear them talking to each other, and you get more and more nervous the closer you get. When you finally walk over, Emily is sat on a chair in the living room while Katie is running dye through her hair. 

“Naomi,” she says. “Hi, how’ve you been?”

Something is wrong with this picture. You could never imagine Katie as being the type who fucking does her sister’s hair for her. Nor did you think Emily would be this happy to see you. Perhaps she’s just in a good mood, and your stomach turns to think that she’s like this because of the other girl.

“Good. I’m uh…good. I was actually here to see Katie, but I see she’s busy now. So…I’ll just um…”

“Me?” Katie asks, looking shocked. And you don’t know whether you want to hit her or yourself.

“Yes, you Katie!” you say, eying her like your life depends on it. “But…I see you’re busy now, so I’ll just wait for you outside.”

\--

You practically storm out of the home, and stand outside on the front porch trying to catch your breath while rubbing your forehead in frustration. Katie follows you out, slamming the door behind her.

“What the fuck?” she says. You don’t respond.

“Are you out of your fucking mind or what Naomi? There’s a reason I told you to stay away from Emily last night. Do you know what it was?”

“Enlighten me!” you bark at her.

“It’s because I don’t want you to lead her on again, you stupid bitch! Not if you can’t make up your own mind, which by the looks of it you can’t!”

“Look…I came her because someone said it would be a good idea, and…”

Katie grunts in frustration, lifting her gloved hands to the air. She calms herself down before staring at you with the most deadly serious look you’ve ever seen.

“You listen to me,” she says to you. “I don’t care what you’re on or how fucked up you are! If you break my sister’s heart again I’ll kill you. So stop coming here unless you have a good reason, okay?”

“Fuck off!” you tell her. “I see what you’re doing. Don’t try to pretend like it isn’t obvious.”

“What?”

“This whole fucking act! Oh, I used to be right cow about my sister being gay so maybe I’ll just do her hair a few times, spend some late nights by the television eating ice cream and all is forgiven.”

“You don’t know a thing about me, Naomi. You’re full of shit, you’re still hung over and you need to fucking do something your face, and your life. So smarten up or piss off! And I’ve told you this before, but I never cared about her being gay…or you okay? I was just trying to protect her.”

You laugh. “For the last time. I’m not gay!”

Katie laughs then, much harder than you. “Fix yourself out Naomi. Go shag Cook or something if it’ll make you feel better, or maybe things will brighten up for you after payday; don’t think my mom and I have forgotten, we’re not as daft as you are”.

“Whatever, Katie!” you scoff. “You go on playing the good sister. And I’ll go on being the non-lesbian."


	5. Interlude - Katie

She’s the most maddening person you’ve ever known and it baffles you to think that anyone could be so in love with her the way Emily was all that time. 

You don’t even attempt to understand this whole “gay” thing anymore. But one thing you were always certain of was that Emily could do a lot better than her. And judging by the time you’ve spent with Naomi over the last few days your opinion of her hasn’t changed all that much since a year or two ago. She’s completely clueless, a fucked-up sarcastic mess with a bad dress sense, she’s still not over your sister and too much of a coward to admit it.

You’ve never been like that. The moment you broke up with someone you made sure they were out of your life for good. Danny and some of the others learned that the hard way. Freddie was the only one for whom you made a slight exception, though sometimes you find you still question yourself wondering why the fuck you even bother speaking to him. None of your other boyfriends had sex with Effy Stonem while you were left bleeding out to death in the woods the way he did. But you can’t be bothered holding a grudge against him because he’s a twat and doesn’t know better. 

He was there for you at the Love Ball when Emily humiliated you in front of everyone with that big gay confession, which has certainly gone down in the history books of Roundview College, making the situation even more embarrassing. When Emily walked out that door, Naomi’s hand in hers your heart broke in two. All eyes were on you and you tried your best to stop yourself from crying. 

Freddie pulled you closer to him, holding you in his arms as the music played. Normally you wouldn’t have let him do that, but by then you felt so weak all you could do was pull in to him. It was comforting in a way, though deep down you could tell he was only doing that because he felt sorry for you and nothing else. You should have hated him then; he was still in love with Effy and he never really cared about you, but in his eyes you could still see something that you hadn’t seen in a lot of guys before. Whether or not he loved you didn’t matter because he thought you were beautiful, you could tell. And it was then that you gave in, let him dance with you, even let him take you home when the night was over.

The next morning you crept out of his room while he was still asleep, promising yourself you’d never do anything that stupid ever again.

\--

When you look back to that night and on Naomi and Emily’s relationship afterward, you know that had you were feeling better you would have done anything in your power to break them up at the time. The fact that you had to be constantly greeted with that same stupid smug expression on Naomi’s face every time she came to the door when she and Emily would go out on dates was the worst thing. It was like she was rubbing it in your face that they were together at the time. You haven’t forgotten it even now. It’s what you think about every time you’re being a bitch to her like that time at the café, or this afternoon when she came over to your place. 

She deserves all the pain she going through for breaking your sister’s heart and embarrassing you. You tell yourself that over and over every time you think you might actually grow to like her. Why you even asked her to come to the photoshoot is beyond your own comprehension. You don’t even like her. That and your mother is still holding it against you. You can tell just by she looks at you whenever she comes back from work. Hopefully it’ll pass but you know it won’t because the day that the photographs will be developed will be the same day Jenna will sit and snare while looking down at them. She’ll probably blame you for inviting Naomi over in the first place.

The funny thing is that Naomi pulled off the modeling in ways you never thought she would, it was like it came naturally to her. She was the last person you’d expect to do that. She’s the most uncoordinated person you know, only a step up from Pandora who you wouldn’t ask to do something like that if she was the last person on earth. 

You hate to admit it, but Naomi is actually quite beautiful, when she’s not wearing some baggy oversized shit that makes her look obese or pregnant. And yeah, she does have some of weird genes that have blessed her with those blue eyes and blonde hair. She’s grown it longer since you’ve last seen so for once she doesn’t look like a complete dyke. Maybe that’s the appeal, or whatever. You don’t attempt to figure it out though because you’re not Emily. That and you’re simply…not gay! So you wouldn’t understand it even if you wanted to.

None of it changes anything, and it doesn’t make up for all those months of having to listen to your mother’s constant complaints about the two of them being together, when even you were ready to accept it. You hated that you were partly to blame. And the moment they broke up, things went to shit. You had to start taking care of Emily the way you did when you were younger.

It all started back to the afternoon when you found her crying in her room. It wasn’t the first time, but you could tell things had got worse just by the look of her. Emily didn’t say a word about Naomi or what had happened, but you didn’t even care to ask her. You pulled her closer to you, embracing her in a hug, burying your face in her hair as she cried into your shoulder. 

It was the first time the two of you had done that since childhood. She wrapped her arms around you, her sobs muffled into the skin of your neck. You stayed there for a while; just holding her until she stopped weeping and the both of you fell asleep in each other’s arms. The moment you woke up she told you everything. She told you about how she and Naomi had broken up for good. You would have been angry had the news not been so unsurprising. You weren’t happy either, just disappointed that you and your mother had been proven right about Naomi all along. It wasn’t a good feeling, nothing like what you would expect. 

For the next few weeks afterward you were fucking pissed. Not only because Emily was spending most of her days moping around, but also because she never really told you the reason why they broke up in the first place. You could never really tell what was going on with them before because you weren’t at all interested. They could have been fighting and bickering all the time and you wouldn’t have noticed at all. You still don’t know what it was and neither of them will tell you. 

\--

You remember seeing Naomi once before all of you had gone back to college a few weeks since she’d broken up with Emily. You were invited out to a party while your sister stayed at home, despite your constantly nagging, telling her that she couldn’t just sit in her room like a loser forever. She didn’t listen to you and you ended up going to the party alone. You spotted Naomi in the corner, hours after you walked into the room, which meant you were more than a little drunk at the time. She didn’t notice you, but you noticed her, she was standing in the corner of the room chatting to a bunch of girls while sipping her beer. 

It was fucked up how she still managed to look like an incredibly smug cunt even when she was having a good time. You hated that about her. It took every bit of self-restraint you had not to walk over there and throw a drink in her face. 

Someone else you recognized was there as well, three people to be exact. Freddie and Effy were out on the dance floor, his arms wrapped gently around her waist, his other hand running through her hair, grinding against her as the music blared. It was positively disgusting.

Cook was standing not too far away from the dance floor in a crowd of people, watching from afar with a look of dread on his face. You figured he must have felt the same way you did while watching them. For a moment you thought about walking over and talking to him, but you quickly came to your senses, telling yourself that you hadn’t stooped so low as to start hanging out with James Cook of all people. 

You wanted to leave right then and there, before either of them noticed you, but you were never a fucking coward, so you stayed where you were. Effy hadn’t killed you that night in the woods and she certainly wouldn’t do it then, nor would you ever let her intimidate you. As much as it hurt to see her with Freddie, you didn’t move an inch or even think about leaving. 

Your hands trembled in fear and anger as you took a sip of a bottle of beer some wanker passed over to you from one of the tables next to you. You kept telling yourself that if Effy – the stuck-up cunt – came near you she’d end up with glass in her face. You hoped that neither her nor Freddie would be stupid enough to approach you.

It turned out that they were, or Effy was at least. You didn’t expect her to just strut over to you and try to talk; you were surprised at how quickly she noticed you as well. Damn her fucking all-seeing self, it’s what you hated about her the most. Freddie must have walked off somewhere because the moment you turned around Effy was right behind you, staring at you with that knowing smirk on her face that made you want to slap her. You weren’t quite sure of what to say, because you knew you couldn’t quite do it without screaming. 

“What the fuck do you want?” you spat, trying your best to be menacing but you could feel your voice weaken, your eyes watering slightly, your fists clenching hoping she’d have enough sense to take the hint and fuck off before the two of you got into another fight. But Effy was never one to be easily threatened, expect for when she was high on shrooms and even then she managed to beat you. It was what annoyed you the most about her; she could always stand on her own two feet even when she was at her most fucked up. You hated her confidence and the way she could just look you in the eye. 

“You’re looking better,” she said, laughing slightly and all you wanted to do was punch her right then and there. The music was getting louder, the lights dimmer and you could feel the anger building up inside you. You kept it hidden away all that time, waiting for the right moment. You knew that the way she kept pushing you things would definitely get rough soon.

“No thanks to you, bitch!” you said. “What happened, did your little Prince Charming wander off somewhere? Why don’t the two of you go fuck off?”

Effy laughed. “Katie, I think we can sort this out like civilzed people don’t you think? Why don’t you come have a drink with us?”

“Fuck off!” you yelled, “you think I’m going to have a drink with you then you can forget it. You’re fucked up girl; Freddie won’t stay with you too long. Not when he sees what a complete and utter mess you are. You’re a crazy bitch and everyone knows it!”

“Says the girl who attacked me in the woods while I was tripping on shrooms. You’re clearly still as petty as you were back then, Katie. Nice to know some things never change.”

The lights went completely dark for a while but the music was still playing, you were about to push your way through her, when she stopped you in your tracks, her hands wrapped tightly around your sides.

“What the fuck?” you screamed. “Get off me!”

“Consider this an apology,” she said before bringing her lips closer to yours. You fought back with every bit of strength you had, but the moment you felt her tongue slide it’s way down your mouth you were rendered weak, unable to move an inch further.

You kissed her back, rough and hard. You hated the way it made you feel, sinking into her arms, letting her wrap herself around you, the hotness of her breath and the sweat of her skin sending that warm feeling from your belly down to your cunt. It was the most “gay” thing you’ve ever done. You hadn’t ever considered kissing a girl before, let alone Effy Stonem. And you hated to admit it but she was a really good kisser. If the growing wetness between your legs was any proof of that.

The moment she pulled away you slapped her hard and she fell back slightly laughing at you, while some of the guys at the party watched, wolf-wistling from afar. You ignored then and tried to get away from the place. 

Effy stopped you again and you pushed her away.

“Get lost!”

“Oh, c’mon Katie!” she said, poking your side. “I think this means we’re friends now doesn’t it!”

“Fuck off and die!” you screamed. “Go back and fuck Freddie or something, pathetic whore!”

You stormed out of the party before she could stop you. Swearing under your breath while you walked home, you promised yourself that the next time she ever did something like that, she’d be the one to end up in hospital just like you did last time.

The moment you came home you flopped yourself down on the bed. Emily was asleep on the other side of the room, but she was awoken by the sound of you coming in through the door. She looked at you with those eyes that said everything you needed to know, that she could tell you were upset. The two of you could never lie to each other. 

Lifting yourself from the bed you came closer to her bed and lied down next to her. Emily had been crying, and if you weren’t so tired you probably would have found it annoying. Instead you pulled in closer to her, kissing her forehead as she rested against your chest.

“Why won’t it stop hurting?” she asked, her voice breaking as you wrapped yourself around her pressing your forehead against hers.

“I don’t know,” you whispered. “I don’t know.”

The both of you cried that night before falling asleep. You could feel the bags growing under your eyes as you closed them, trying your best to block out the memory of kissing Effy and the way it made you feel. You knew what it was like for Emily then.


	6. Chapter 6

You spend the next few weeks doing what you’ve always done best; isolating yourself from everyone around you. You haven’t received so much as a phone call or text message from the others. You don’t bump into any of them at college either, it’s almost like they’ve vanished from the face of the earth and it makes you feel a little better. Though it’s the strangest thing ever, considering there were times when you couldn’t get them to leave you alone, especially Emily, who seemed like she were everywhere. 

Turns out it really is true; that if you avoid people long enough, they’ll learn to avoid you as well. 

All the money you got from the wedding photo shoot you’ve put away into your account without touching a cent, and it makes you feel cheap but spending sprees have never been a big thing for you. You’ve never been overly materialistic and you consider it a good thing. 

The photos turned out pretty well. Jenna offered to have some sent to you for free, and you declined. It’s kind of embarrassing seeing yourself that way. Not that the photos were horrible; they were actually quite pretty. It’s because you’ve never envisioned doing something like that at all. You never did have a very positive opinion on modeling before, and doing what you did a few weeks back makes you look like the biggest hypocrite on earth. Thankfully, nobody from college will have to see them.

Having to catch up on course work has been a nightmare but you’ve managed pretty well, though it has cost you more sleep and time spent having to sit down next to your boring wanker of a teacher – some new guy you don’t even know – and have to listen as he gives you the same contrived speech every teacher tells their student about having to achieve something in life and all that. Not to mention you’ve also had to have a chat with the new principal David Blood, king douche of Roundview College. 

\--

You’re sitting on some random bench eating a sandwich and your head is burning from the complete and utter frustration of having to move from class to class telling your teachers the same fucking story, that your “personal problems” have been affected your work. 

Being alone is the only possible way you can even try to relax.

And that’s when you spot him, coming toward you.

Cook still looks a lot less happy compared to that day he cornered you outside the classroom and you figure that things haven’t changed much between him and Effy. He’s probably still punishing himself by sleeping with that girl for all you know. One thing that’s certain is that he wouldn’t be coming to you if he weren’t incredibly desperate. It seems he and Freddie have fallen away from each other more than you’d expected.

“If I hear one remark about your cock or the two of us shagging I’ll leave right now,” you threaten, rubbing your forehead as you finish the rest of your sandwich.

“I ain’t saying anything babe,” he tells you, placing a cigarette between his lips. “Just came here to see how you’re doing is all.”

“Good,” you tell him, looking away. 

He offers you a cigarette when he takes a seat on the bench opposite to you and you take it, even though you have your own. You smile at him, half-heartedly but you’re glad he’s with you. You’ve wanted to speak to Cook for weeks, but you haven’t had the guts to call him or show up at his door uninvited like the last time. You figured he’s been having a lot on his mind lately, that and his time has also been taken up in shagging every possible Effy look-alike in Bristol. 

You feel sorry for him, not in a condescending way. You genuinely feel for Cook because you’re certain you’d end up either killing yourself or checking into a mental institute if you went about town shagging girls who reminded you of Emily. It seems he’s punishing himself by doing that, if by his own knowledge or subconsciously, and you can tell just by the look on his face as he sits there, more silent than you’ve ever seen him before, that he’s just as miserable as you are. 

“I’d usually expect Freddie to be this boring, but not you,” you tell him, immediately regretting how fucking insensitive and bitchy it sounds.

He ignores you for a moment and then quickly opens his mouth to speak. 

“How’s our favourite little lezzer, then? I haven’t seen her around.”

“I’ve seen about as much of her as you have,” you reply, sighing and taking a long drag. “What about Effy, have you seen her?”

He shakes his head, looking downward. 

You turn away, blowing smoke into the air as you watch some of the other students around you. Nobody else you recognize is near, and you’re thankful for that. You can’t think of anything worse than someone showing up and sitting next to you and Cook. 

There’s a strange comfort you feel when you’re around him, even when he’s not saying a word to you though you’d usually expect him to be all loud and obnoxious. Either way, you like his company even when you’re both so silent and pensive. 

You don’t feel like talking because you’re tired and frustrated. But you’re sitting there, letting the time pass, with Cook sitting across from you, and for once you’re certain you want him to stay. 

It’s a start, and a step ahead from where the two of you were a few weeks back.

\--

A couple of hours later and you’re going through your locker when the last person you’d expect to see walks up and taps you on the shoulder. You’re so taken back that you actually jump and drop your books on the floor in shock. 

“Shit,” you mutter, bending down to pick your books up when Emily hands one to you. 

“Thanks,” you say, without looking her in the eye. She’s smiling, and it’s the strangest thing for a situation like this. You’re not sure what she wants but you know the conversation is bound to turn awkward any minute.

“Naomi…” she says, that desperate pleading in her voice that’s both gutting, irritating and sweet. The voice you hadn’t heard in such a long time.

“I haven’t seen you around here in ages. How’ve you been?”

Small talk, trust Emily to be capable of anything more. You want to speak, but you honestly have nothing to say to her. You’re afraid that whatever comes out of your mouth will only complicate the situation further, because you haven’t seen each other for weeks, months…and your last meet was so awkward you cringe every time you think about it. You’re only hoping she won’t take it to heart, the way she always does.

“Good, I’ve been good,” you say, practically lying through your teeth and she knows it.

“Naomi,” Emily says. “You can talk to me you know.”

“I know that Ems,” you reply, growing ever more frustrated. “Look, things aren’t exactly going well for me right now. I’m so behind in college it’s ridiculous, and I’m probably going to spend the next few weeks sitting in my room trying to catch up on all of the work so I don’t end up failing and fucking up my future, okay?”

She’s calmer than you expected, which irks you because you know that her new girlfriend is reason why you can’t hurt her as much as you used to, not that you ever intended to in the first place. It’s just that Emily is so easily broken, you’ve always felt like you were walking on egg shells just being around her but the look on her face now reads confident in a way, and that scares you. You always thought the day that Emily gained a higher self-esteem than you would be the same day Katie would…turn gay or something. 

“It’s good to see you,” she said. “By the way, I saw those photographs the other day. You looked amazing. Never thought of you as the modeling type.”

Your heart stops as soon as you hear those words come out of her mouth and you’re so embarrassed then, you can almost feel your cheeks growing red immediately. 

“I…I…I, how did you...?”

“It’s okay,” Emily says, smiling. “It’s not like it was any kind of secret. By the way, Katie might be too proud to tell you this but she really appreciates that you did it for her. Really, when she was talking about it afterward, she was acting like you were some kind of life-saver or something”. 

You find it difficult to believe that Katie would talk about you that way, even to someone else, given the way she’s treated you in the past. 

“How are things going with her?” you ask. You don’t know why, but you’re curious to know whether Emily is getting along with her sister lately. Maybe now that you’re out of the picture, Katie is treating her a little better. But last you’ve heard from Katie she didn’t like this new girl Emily’s seeing. For once you agree with her because you don’t like Jasmine either.

“You mean with Katie?” she asks. “Fine. Everything’s going fine. Hey, you know she even agreed to go to this concert with me recently. Some of Jasmine’s friends are doing a gig at this place not too far from here. Katie hates the kind of music they play, but she hasn’t been out in ages so she’s coming along. You should too, you know. The four of us, all together.” 

Emily’s proposition brings back memories of some of the things about her that used to annoy you. She’s way too fucking pushy and the last thing you want to do is watch her locking lips with her new girlfriend right in front of you. Katie will probably give you shit about it later, making up some snide remark about lesbians taking over the world or something. Besides, you have a shit-load of coursework to catch up on. 

“I don’t think so, Ems,” you tell her, trying to make sure she gets the message, because she hardly ever does. “I have to go.”

You feel like a twat when you turn your back on her and walk away like you’ve done many a time before, but you’re surprised she isn’t running after you. She doesn’t even call out your name. You take a deep breath, sighing in relief when you’re as far away from her as you can be. It feels like the old days; back when you had to practically hide just to get away from her. It’s good that she’s got the message. But then again, you think that Jasmine may have something to do with that. 

\--

By the time your last class is over, you’re so exhausted you can barely stand, but you make your way out of college before anyone else has a chance to run into you along the way. You can’t believe that you’re even considering this concert thing, because you are. The strange thing is that you want to be there more so for Katie than Emily. You hate to admit it, but she’s been the most enjoyable form of company you’ve had apart from Cook lately.

There are honestly times when you think you want go to the nearest mental institute and turn yourself in, or that you must be some kind of masochist for hanging out with these people. But you don’t really know anyone else around college. And you’ve always been alone, for as long as you can remember. The truth is that you’re tired of it because you can only stand to be around yourself, Gina and Kieran for so long before you end up getting bored or depressed or both. 

You leave the college and take a long walk down the street before you stop for a moment and sit down on a bench out in the middle of nowhere in particular, you don’t even recognize the place you’re in. You light yourself a fag, it’s the fifth one you’ve had for the day. You’ve been smoking a whole lot more than you used to and that’s a bad sign as well. 

Your thoughts trail back to what Emily said about the wedding photos, and you’re still a bit embarrassed about the whole thing. Katie would never complement you like that to your face, but you’re surprised that she even admitted it to her sister. Then the realization hits you, and it hurts like hell to think about it. You don’t want to admit it to yourself but the possibility is there, that Emily is in fact, well and truly over you. That or she’s just become a better liar than you want to admit. 

You don’t know why you’re doing it but you pull the phone out of your pocket then, sending her a text message telling her you’ll be there at the gig. She texts you the address and the moment you get it, you regret doing it in the first place…and then part of you doesn’t. 

You can’t wait to see the look on Katie’s face when she sees you there, but the thing that makes your stomach turn the most is that you’re going to really have to spend time with Emily and her new girlfriend, that kills you the most. 

You send another text message, one to Cook, telling him about the gig and the you send the address too, asking him to come along. He doesn’t reply, which is unsurprising. You’re really starting to wonder whether there’s more going on with him than he likes to admit. Either way, you know the next few nights are going to be harder than ever before. 

After another hour of walking back home your phone rings. It’s Katie on the other line, and you pick it up immediately.

“So, you’re coming to that lame-o gig too, aren’t you?” she asks.

You’re speechless then.

“No point in hiding it, Naomi. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad you’re coming. I’m not spending the whole night watching Emily and Jasmine snog each other’s faces off. I can trust you to be okay with that though, can’t I?”

“Well,” you begin nervously. “This is my ex-girlfriend we’re talking about”.

“And my sister,” she replies. “Just, come along okay? I’m not standing around looking like a loser on my own. By the way, thanks for, you know, actually coming to the photo-shoot when I asked.”

“I think that’s the first time you’ve ever thanked me for anything Katie. Seems like you need me most of the time”.

“It’s the first time you’ve ever deserved it,” she says, before hanging up.

You laugh to yourself, because you hate to admit it but Katie amuses you. And in some ways you feel a little better about going to the gig, but you still can’t push the thought of Emily and Jasmine out of your mind. Hopefully, the place and the music…or Katie’s company, her whining and groaning, will be a sufficient distraction.


End file.
